In “On Death and Dying,” Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified the 5stages of mourning: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
I had a recent loss, not of a person but of a dream. And I know it may seem nothing to some but if you ever had a dream, something you feel and desire so strongly and deeply you know what I'm talking about.
When I got the news that my dream couldn’t come true, that I had no power and no control whatsoever in this and it seemed like it was over for good I did immediately go into denial and isolation. I ignored the emails, pretended they never came through and did not reply to the Zoom meetings requests for a couple of weeks, at least.
When I finally did a LOT of anger came up for me in the form of muscle contractures and physical pain in my abdomen. I even went to ER but obviously you can’t see anger with an ultrasound so everything seemed normal!
Reflecting on it I realised what all this pain was really about and I think I went through the phase of depression BEFORE the bargaining phase. There have definitely been lots of tears - LOTS - and I couldn't see a way out, I couldn’t find or even consider another solution or think of a plan that was different than what I already had in mind - and worked for.
In “From Crisis to Creativity,” author Gail Feldman renames the bargaining stage of grief as the stage of obsession, she defines it as “a cognitive strategy to attempt to control the future.” And boy, do I feel that!
Basically you realize how much you’ve been hurt and want to make sure it will ever happen again.
Your actions are moved by fear in this phase, so how that shows up in art is that you may create and practice obsessively but never feel ready to display your art, perform or market yourself (depending on what you do) or may avoid creating/practicing entirely and try to soothe the anxiety through addictive activities, like overeating, compulsive sex, compulsive spending or substance abuse.
I started ravenously looking for answers in a situation where there were only more questions, I was searching for certainty in something that was as unclear as thick mud! And it’s been extremely frustrating and incredibly exhausting! It took so much energy and attention from me and I can only see how much now. It got me stuck and spinning around in a vortex and I felt dizzy and even more confused. I needed to make sense of something in my life as my plan had just crumbled, I needed some kind of certainty, something I could hold onto!
Because of this restlessness I unconsciously stepped away from my usual way of creating (painting/drawing) as I couldn’t bear to sit still.
So I started dedicating more time to other activities, like Archery practice and learning to play the Cajon. And mind you, I had started these activities before this loss and I did it because I’m a curious human being and I am multi passionate and want to try new things all the time, but because of the nature of these activities and my internal needs I gravitated towards them more.
Archery has become my new way of meditating as it requires presence in the now, dropping into your body, focusing on your breathing.
It grounds me and it centers me. All of this is beneficial for the anxiety that uncertainty brings as by engaging in this calming and grounding activity - instead of other unhealthy ones - I grow the ability of “sitting” with the uncomfortable emotions and it becomes a prolific period of “incubation” that leads to creative ideas and breakthroughs. It's the only way I have been able to embody stillness since this event.
So my Archery practice feeds my creative practice, which also includes playing the Cajon, and vice versa.
And I don’t know about you but I'm somebody who feels the emotions completely, deeply. And they can be overwhelming at times.
But as Marmee March from Little Women says “..with nearly 40 years of practice I’m learning to not let it get the better of me..” , now I don't have nearly 40 years of practice but I'm slowly learning and Archery is definitely a good, healthy way of working through those big feelings.
The good news is, also, that I found a study that suggests that people who are prone to experiencing intense emotions, any of the spectrum, also score higher on measures of creativity. So, although those intense mood swings may feel exhausting and confusing, it may be that we have the perfect cognitive space for creativity and creative expression. So you know.. silver linings!
As usual though is not about what you create, what you play, write, paint, draw, if you do or prioritize one thing or the other.
It’s about the ACT of creating itself. It’s about the PROCESS.
And we don’t HAVE to create while grieving.. Grief comes up differently for everyone and we don’t have to have creative outlets and creative times, we can be doing other things. This hasn’t been the only loss I had in the last few years, but it is the most recent one and I have been learning - and still am - that self care is one of the most important things I can do for myself during these times.
And yes, we do need help at times and there’s no shame in that, I actually think that asking for help is one the best ways of taking care of ourselves. And it can be therapy, or having a chat with friends and family.
I do believe that creative work will offer healing for our wounds. I believe that by engaging in creative activities when in the middle of these emotional storms, we learn how to navigate them, we find meaning to the trauma and the suffering.
The emotion is the catalyst.
Art, whichever form that may take, creates the space for those emotions to be expressed and make sense of our story.
It takes courage to do that, to put our emotions onto paper, or in a photo, in a dance, on a canvas, in notes and confront them so openly, so clearly. But we do need to be gentle with ourselves in this process, we do need to be kind and approach whatever comes out compassionately instead of judgement or comparison. Even to our previous work!
I know it's easier said than done but
Don't be afraid of stepping away from the usual!
Let me explain: don't fear the new, don't fall into thinking that if you've always been writing or taking photos and you can't do it now you must have ran out of creative juice, you must have lost it and this is the end of it. NO! This is a phase, we go through phases in life, and grief is a very particular phase too. You may be experiencing a block, maybe! This is what I'm here for as well as a Kaizen-Muse Creativity Coach! To remind you to take tiny steps and give yourself a chance, take a break from the usual and give your creativity and your emotions a chance to be expressed by trying something different.
Try something that feels good in that moment, it may become another creative outlet for you! It may just help you with the block, it may unlock the emotions! You never know! And that can lead to new situations and opportunities you hadn't thought of.
I’m not completely out of it yet I think, some days feel much better than others. But I am accepting that even if the result is not what I though it would be it’s ok, I will be well. I am trusting the process, and actually focusing on that, I’m letting go of expectations because they were trapping me. I am embracing and enjoying the process.
The rigid thought of how it should have been was holding me from seeing all the other opportunities, from exploring the other options, the other pathways. It was robbing me of the joy of creating new roads and possibilities for myself.
This was my last experience with loss and creativity. Do you have any experience with these emotions? How did you get through them? How did you let your creativity take charge? Let me know in the comments or via email! And if you want support and guidance just email me at monicabalbowatercolour@gmail.com and we'll take it from there :)
Stay curious, Stay inspired.
Your Creative Friend,
Monica
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